How can you regulate emotions effectively?
Emotional regulation is an essential life skill that helps us manage our emotions and cope with life’s challenges. It’s the ability to identify and understand feelings, express them appropriately, and control them when necessary. Sometimes when you’re in the middle of a conflict at work, it’s easy to enter a fight-or-flight mode. It’s possible to interrupt this response, stay calm, and find a path toward a more productive discussion even when you’re triggered, all it takes is a little grounding.
This blog will help you understand why emotional regulation is important and give you 7 tips to start doing it regularly, so you’re able to regulate emotions better.
What happens when we’re unable to regulate emotions?
Your brain is constantly scanning for threats so when it senses, and when an alarm goes off in your brain. The body makes a chemical choice to protect itself, rational thinking shuts down. Sometimes we get triggered and that makes us unable to regulate and process emotions during a conflict, or any unpleasant situation.
Aarthi Chandirasehar, a transactional analysis psychotherapist says, “Why each of us see the same thing differently has a lot to do with their story, what they have been through, taught and modeled. Based on these factors, each person reacts very differently. When you’re triggered by something that happens at work, it takes you back to the time when you had a similar experience.”
Emotional dysregulation at work shows up as mood shifts, constantly finding it hard to deal with stress, angry outbursts, meltdowns, going numb, high anxiety, etc. When you’re not able to sit with your emotions and process them, you carry a weight inside you, which makes you impatient, and in the instance of any discomfort, you tend to push people away, lash out at them, or ignore them.
What does emotional regulation look like?
Everyone processes emotions in their own ways and in ways that are true and valid for them. Aarthi Chandirasehar says that for us to regulate our emotions, we need a part of ourselves, which is called the nurturing parent. Just like how an inner critic plays a role in our psyche, the nurturing parent also plays a role. When a child is hurt or feels bad, the parent comforts the child, through which the child learns to regulate its emotions, through a process called co-regulation.
When the nurturing figure is not present to hold space or model the behavior growing up, that part of the child will not be formed properly. As the child grows up to become an adult, the adult has the resources needed for emotional regulation, but won’t be able to access it. When you don’t have an internal nurturing parent (nurturing voice), you are less likely to regulate.
Tips to regulate emotions
Aarthi Chandirasehar says, “A person can only process or regulate their emotions only when they are able to hold space for themselves. When they’re able to feel safe with themselves, they’re able to handle the perceived external threat.”
This is why grounding yourself when you’re triggered is the best way to start regulating emotions. The following techniques help you do that. The more you use these techniques, the better it is. You simply have to use more and better tools that work for you.
1. Put a pause on what you’re doing
Even during a high, take one second to put a pause on your thoughts. This is important because when you’re triggered, the cognitive part of your brain shuts down, and you operate emotionally. You’re more likely to lash out at others or cause yourself harm.
To avoid this, even in the heat of the moment, take a pause abruptly, excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom, and if you can, take a breath. When that’s not possible, and the person in front of you continues to exacerbate your emotion, use the phrase ‘I’m not in the right state to respond to this right now’, and excuse yourself. Doing this shows emotional maturity.
2. Take help when needed, but hold boundaries
People are often polarized on this – should they ask for help at work or not? The answer is yes, you can ask for help from a trusted confidante at work to help soothe your mental state, you don’t have to do it alone.
Aarthi Chandirasehar says, “It takes a lot of work and time to get to a point of being able to process difficult emotions on your own. Until then, it is perfectly okay to depend on someone emotionally, to help you sit with an emotion. It’s okay to take help from people whom we think are safe and trustworthy. It’s not human to expect to process everything by ourselves. We need people but to an extent.”
As long as we set boundaries with how much help we take from this person to get through the rush of emotions, it’s healthy. When we start relying on someone to soothe our mental state all the time with no effort of our own, that’s where codependency starts. That isn’t healthy.
3. Focus on your breath
An amazing way to ground yourself is to focus on your breath. What does it feel like to breathe in through your nose? What is the quality of your breath as it enters your lungs? Focusing on these minute details helps take your mind off of the stressful situation you’re in.
4. Think of emotions as data
Try to name your emotions and treat them objectively. As you feel triggered and feel the rush of emotions, say to yourself ‘I’m having this disturbing thought’, and categorize it. Try putting a tab on it consciously, as much as possible, so the rush of emotions doesn’t make you act impulsively.
5. Draw fine lines between the emotions you feel
We feel a lot of emotions at once when we’re triggered – we may be flustered, irate, irritated, hurt, disappointed, betrayed etc. When we think of them as a blanket emotion and run along with it, it takes a while to get out of it. Instead, when you’re triggered, instantly vocalize to yourself the emotion you feel – do you feel irritated, or hurt deep inside? More often than not anger is a blanket emotion, it covers something deeper. When you try to state to yourself exactly what you’re feeling, you’ll still be in control of your actions, and you’ll be able to regulate your emotions better.
6. Notice physical sensations
Observe how your body responds to the rush of emotions. Did your tone of voice change? Do you feel a pit in your stomach? A tightness in your chest? Or is your mouth going dry? These sensations can remind you are stressed. If you’re sitting still when emotions take a toll on you, the stressful feeling can build up. Excuse yourself to get up and walk around. This quick break can provide a much better reset.
7. Don’t suppress your emotions
More often than not, you may not want to risk their position in the organization, so you choose to suppress what you feel, and never let it out. This bottled-up anger, disappointment, frustration, and resentment builds and causes you to lash out at others. Or, heavily suppressed emotions can make you numb in which case you wouldn’t know what you’re feeling, or it can manifest itself as forgetfulness, and insensitivity. Not being in touch with your emotions can make you feel odd when others express theirs. When suppressed, emotions explode at odd times and can leave a dent in your relationships.
